What It Means To Be Social

Photo by Oleg Larkin on Unsplash

This is the second part of a series on social media and how to understand its impacts on our lives. In the first entry, I talked about the evolution of social media platforms from the mid-aughts til now. Next, I talk about talk about why bigger platforms cause greater harm and what this means for us as a species. In the final entry, I give some practical tips for forging boundaries about social media in your daily life.

Humans are naturally social animals. We have to be to survive. As Scott Galloway says, cooperation is the superpower of the human species. 

When you think of the other animals at the top of the intelligence hierarchy on this planet, they are all social — elephants, primates, lions, dolphins. Even octopuses are more social than previously thought.

Dictionary.com has about a dozen definitions for “social.” Here are a few: 

• Being characterized by friendly companionship or relations

• Seeking or enjoying the companionship of others

• Of, relating to, connected with, or suited to polite and fashionable society

• Living in companionship with others or in a community

• (Zoology) Living habitually in communities, as bees or ants

• (Botany) Growing in patches or clumps 

One definition specifies the context of digital social networks that “promote companionship or communication with friends and other personal contacts.” 

When was the last time social media felt polite or enjoyable? When was the last time you felt better for using it?

I acknowledge that real connections with real people can happen on social media — but then there’s the rest of it. The trolling by anonymous or unknown users, amplified posts that deepen divisions, inauthentic “aspirational” content. 

The question becomes, which parts are the bug, and which parts are the feature? Do genuine connections happen because of or in spite of the way social media is built to function?

The internet as social media

Near the turn of the millennium, the internet was a giant social sandbox. 

Blogs like LiveJournal, Xanga, and a million other platforms took root, often clumped together. It was common to fall into a ring of blogs by, say, military wives or gardeners or jazz aficionados. The writers of these blogs would often make posts in conversation with others, forming a real online community. 

Similarly, websites dedicated to a specific niche often had forums for users to bond and share.

Compared to now, it was a golden era. It was a mechanism by which users could be social on their own terms, exploring natural connections and interests in ways that felt natural.

A few characteristics of this landscape feel true to what being social actually is.

Tribes

Humans are evolved to live in groups. In many ways, this defines what it means to be social. 

Our most obvious tribes are the people closest to us, in our immediate social orbit. We know them (or at least most of them) and they know us (or know of us). Not all of us fit in with the people, geography, and culture we live in. If no one in your IRL tribe shares your passion for, say, French films, you could find that tribe online.

The segmentation of these tribes is key.

In the previous internet, you could have your gardener friends over here and your new-age jazz friends over there. We had a lot more control over who saw what we posted. We knew our audience. 

Conversations about regulating social media usually express due concern for the lifeline that social media affords the odd ducks and fish out of water. People figuring out their identity or sexuality benefitted from the privacy of distributed social spaces online.

The popularity of Reddit and Discord perhaps signals a return to an online segregation of interests, and I am for it.

Security and authenticity

When talking about digital “spaces,” the analogy to the physical world isn’t accidental. Think of a place where you can be yourself. What is that place like? It is probably not standing on a stage on main street, screaming your opinions through a bullhorn to anyone who happens to walk by — which is what mainstream social media so often resembles.  

What would feel better would probably be more like a speakeasy, where you can take a load off and talk about whatever. Everybody knows your (user)name. It is a shelter, in which people can say things imperfectly and be taken in good faith. You can be vulnerable without being afraid.

Modern social media works to the entirely opposite effect. It thrives on hot takes, conflict, outrage. And we can’t look away.

These days, social media is about as social as reality TV is real. Users are performing rather than being themselves. Modern social media has gamified the concept of being social from being social to getting attention. This creates a warped sense of self and self-worth, even for average, everyday users. 

The old internet was less like this. Your “influence” depended on your reputation; how you treated people and the perspective you brought to the discussion. This is the natural dynamic of being social and being authentic. The internet merely allowed us to find social spaces where we could be authentically ourselves and be appreciated for it.

Moderation

In 2009, people spent an average of just 13 hours per week online, and even that much time raised eyebrows. Now, 13 hours per week seems quaint. Today, the worldwide average screen time is nearly seven hours per day.

Of course, the advent of the smartphone coincides with a few watershed changes in social media that I outlined in the first piece of this series. When desktop computers served as the main access point to the internet, people were forced to limit their internet consumption just by the sheer fact of having to live the rest of their lives. 

That was better for us. You should be able to put it down and go about your day.

The product perspective

I draw these comparisons to the old internet to show that better is possible. In fact, it’s been done before. Social media has perverted our expectation of “normal” in relation to the internet and online life.

If social media were a place, what would be the point of going there? The feature set does not support the notion that social media is for keeping up with friends and family, or killing a few minutes while you wait for your flight to take off.

The mainstream social media wants us to shop there, get news there, watch videos there, and so forth. When Elon Musk bought Twitter, he promised to make it into “the everything app.” 

This aim is misguided because there is no real purpose. If something is for everything and everyone, it’s really for nothing and no one. 

Whether you’re building a product or looking for better ways to spend your digital time, these natural aspects of being social can help point the way. 

• Build or seek out apps that have a niche focus, that are clear about the tribe their space is designed for.  

• Build or seek out spaces where you can be authentic and vulnerable without fear. At WLCM, many products we create involve extremely intimate aspects of life — menstruation, motherhood, breastfeeding, mental health. Interestingly and importantly, none of our apps need content moderation to keep spaces safe and real.

• Build or seek out products and platforms that respect the user — that don’t traffic in attention, prey on user data, or exploit our most base instincts. 

Technology should enable people to be more human. It’s my hope and feeling that the next generation of social media will do just that.